Update on weight loss:

Current weight: 165lbs

Pounds lost: 100lbs 

 Pounds to lose to reach ideal weight: 8lbs

  Pounds to lose to reach preferred weight: 15lbs 

Pollock is Bollocks

In case you do not know, Paul Jackson Pollock was a talentless hack who liked to get drunk and splatter random shit around like a fucking toddler. While most of us would have gotten in trouble as children for slinging paint around, and even pouring it straight out of the fucking can, this primitive behavior made this man a celebrity and legend in the art community. This technique, known as “Action Painting”, is considered one of the United States’ major contributions to the wonderful world of art.

Let’s take a look at his work, shall we?

HOLY SHIT IT’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!

And here is the “artist”, hard at work:

Pollock would admittedly create most of his paintings while he was completely shitfaced, which isn’t surprising when you consider the quality of his work.

To say that Pollock’s paintings were “shit” would be an understatement.

To further my point, let’s make the following comparison…

Pollock vs. Shit:

At least the person in Image 2 aimed for the toilet. Well, sort of…

In the first image, we see a poor selection of colors haphazardly splashed around a canvas, completely void of any expression, and virtually no effort whatsoever.

In the second image, we see the fruits of ones bowels splashed about a cramped bathroom stall, conceived with an equal lack of skill or talent, yet a seemingly more expressive display of determination and effort. Surely a more suitable entry for a modern art museum than anything Pollock ever created.

The main difference between the two is that the shit on the right isn’t being sold for $15 Million US dollars.

Who the fuck would pay that much money for something so worthless? I mean… Pollock’s paintings are so bad, you would think even a child could do better… And you would also be correct.

Pollock vs. Children:

In the first image, we see Jackson Pollock’s “Lavendar Mist”, 1950, one of Pollock’s most notable works, and hung at the National Gallery of Art in Washington D.C.

As with most of Pollock’s works, it is completely lacking in atmosphere, and evokes no emotions other than disgust.

In the second image, we see the work of an eight year old child who is dying from cancer. In this piece, we see a vibrant palette of colors applied gracefully to a humble sheet of paper, with a rhythmic sequence of blue clouds dancing along the top of the canvas.

Okay, perhaps I’m looking a little too far into it… But it’s not bad for a child in critical condition.

And I don’t know about you, but I sure as fuck would rather see Image 2 hung on my fridge than to be anywhere near that abhorrent piece of shit in Image 1.

It’s also better than anything Pollock created at that age, let alone his entire career as an artist.

Hey… STOP THAT! Also, television sets were not commercially available in 1916! WTF?

Jackson Pollock’s later life and death:

When Pollock wasn’t busy beating his wife, giving other women venereal diseases, or gracing the world with his “artwork”, you could generally find him on the highway with a bottle of whiskey. Jackson Pollock loved two things in this world: Drinking, and driving… Fast. As you might imagine, this behavior eventually resulted in a massive crash, and the world it seemed was finally rid of this man and his artistic abominations. But Jackson Pollock wasn’t satisfied with simply destroying the art world as we know it throughout his career, and then finally ridding the world of himself… Oh no… He had to take the innocent lives of others down with him. During one of his late-night drinking binges, Pollock thought it would be fun to dart down the fucking highway as fast as he fucking could, consequently getting in a wreck, killing himself, and taking an entire family down with him.

VROOM VROOM! NOTHING CAN HURT ME!

A scene about as beautiful as his artwork.

When you read about this kind of thing, local newspapers tend to demonize the offending drunk drivers, making an example of them in hopes that future idiots will stay the fuck off the road the next time they decide to get drunk off their tits. Yet this talentless piece of shit continually receives praise for his work, and even has a big stone monument in his honor, as well as a comprehensive memorial exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. The family he murdered, however, did not receive a fancy burial, and their names are unknown. Despite all of this, few acknowledge what a terrible person he was, and he is still hailed and defended by many pretentious art “experts”, who make ignorant claims such as “Not just anyone can create a ‘Pollock’.”

Perhaps they’re right about that.

As you can see in the following image, aspiring “artists” leave empty bottles of liquor in honor of Pollock…

Because the world misses him so very, very fucking much…

Even his tombstone looks like a turd.

In conclusion to this wonderful blog entry, I would like to give a big FUCK YOU to all of Pollock’s fans, the cancerous fine “art” community for their continual degradation of the meaning of art, to the entire “Abstract Expressionism” movement for being anything but expressive, and finally, Paul Jackson Pollock himself.

He may be gone, but his diarrhea still stains major art museums, and you’ve more than likely been forced to learn about him in art class.

Just be thankful you didn’t write an entire blog entry about him.

My thoughts on the Duke Nukem Forever demo

I’ve been playing Duke since 1993 with DN1 and DN2, and Duke 3D was one of the most fun and interactive games ever created.
My loyalty to the franchise predates a lot of fans who didn’t catch on until Duke3D or the subsequent console titles.
Since the very beginning, I have patiently been waiting for the release of DNF. I have lurked the 3DRealms forums since 1999, and followed along with all of the hype and spent hours in the DNF discussions with all of the fellow fans who, like me, never gave up on Duke. (lololol@DNF cult)
When I saw the BOS edition of DNF announced, I immediately placed my pre-order.
Then when I received the (way late) demo release e-mail last night, I squealed with joy and waited patiently for two hours as the game downloaded on Steam.
But… After playing the early access demo last night, I can honestly say this was quite possibly the most disappointing gaming moment of my entire life.
All of the interactivity, depth and fun that made Duke3D so great was nowhere present in this game, and it added nothing special or new to the franchise.
The jokes were stale and embarrassing, and I’m pretty sure nobody thinks that the Olsen twins are relevant or attractive anymore.
Completely unlike Duke3D, where the sexuality and humor felt somewhat tasteful and appropriate, and the women were full figured and not 20 years younger than Duke… (I think that George just used Duke to execute his own perverted fantasies. The real Duke would never go for the Olsen (Holsom) twins)
The game just felt… stupid.
Controls were blocky, game-play was linear, and there was basically no interactivity aside from the static and pre-scripted "Press E to wait for slow-ass Duke to engage in some pre-scripted event that takes way too long and accomplishes nothing".
The movement was so slow and blocky that the first thing I did at the start of the game was lower my graphics settings, because I thought they were up too high and slowing the game down.
In Duke3D, you could shoot ANY random pipe in the wall and it would spew steam… You could explore obscure areas of levels, and get up on sinks, toilets… and basic operations such as drinking from a fountain or flushing a toilet could be done quickly without committing patiently to a slow-paced sequence to start.
The movement and controls were already bad enough as it is, but for the game to lock Duke’s movement and even prevent him from looking or moving around for a lot of scenes is unspeakably frustrating.
Did anyone notice how you couldn’t even climb up on the fucking sinks? I expect that linear "blocking-off the player" crap from other modern games, but I expected way more from Duke.
I DEMAND SINK-CLIMBING ABILITIES!
Now the graphics were up to date… In fact, the visuals were rather gorgeous, and I was able to run the demo on optimum graphics settings. But the game was missing two critical elements that completely ruined it for me, as well as everything Duke used to stand for.
Interactivity, and fun.
This was supposed to be a renaissance of classic game play. Duke was supposed to bring back shooters… But nope. This game is as bad as the rest of those shitty modern shooters. Perhaps worse.
I’m sure this game will appeal to all of the 13 year old Xbox fans everywhere, who are probably the game’s target audience, as opposed to the true and loyal fans who have been jerked around by 3DRealms all these years.
Now Critical Mass was expected to suck… But not DNF. I waited to long for this shit.
Consequently, I have completely lost all faith in the game industry. This was my last hope for the future of gaming.
I have cancelled my $90 pre-order from Amazon, and I hope to get my money back without any problems.
In conclusion, I would like to clarify that I do not blame Gearbox for this.
And as far as I’m concerned, the final nail has been driven into the coffin of our hero.
R.I.P. Apogee. R.I.P. Duke Nukem.
Gaming is dead for me.

My (horrible) experience with Apple’s iPhone

A few years ago, my wife and I bought the 3GS model when it first came out. A 16GB, as well as 32GB.
…
It was the single worst investment of my life.

First of all, the phones come with virtually no warranty at all, aside from an extremely limited manufacturers warranty and the distributors 2-week replacement plan. If you want protection, you have to purchase "Apple Care", which is an additional $90 or so dollars per unit.

Since I take exceptional care of my things, I was willing to take the risk. (We had already spent $1000 for the two phones plus deposits, and had a minimum monthly phone-bill of $130, which included NO free texting, NO unlimited calling, and extremely slow internet since ATT is too cheap to bring 3G to my area, yet had absolutely no problem charging me full-price for a data plan that we don’t even use since we only use Wi-Fi anyway…)

Much to our horror and surprise, both of the units spontaneously died simultaneously precisely 2 weeks after my purchase, which coincidentally, was the day the distributor’s replacement plan ended.

After that, my only option was to purchase a little cheapy $20 phone and insert my iPhone’s simcard into it so I could call Apple.

After arguing with one of their incompetent customer service providers and waiting on hold for approximately 3 hours, I finally convinced him to replace our phones, despite his dispute that it was all our fault for not shutting the phones off before charging them.

Who the heck turns off their phone just to charge it, anyway? >_<

They finally replaced them, after taking their sweet time about it.
Immediately after receiving our replacements, I started receiving annoying error messages, claiming "This charger is not compatible with the device", despite nothing even being plugged into it. It also seemed to think that headphones were plugged in at all times, making it impossible to play any music on it.
Apple refused to replace it again, claiming that I damaged the device, despite the fact that I took care of it and the unit was defective straight out of the freaking box.

My only chose was to jailbreak/hack my phone to disable the annoying messages, and even after that, the iPod app randomly deleted my entire music library, and I was unable to sync it after jailbreaking.

Just a few months ago, my wife’s 32GB iPhone’s screen went completely black, despite it being on, making the phone itself completely worthless.
I gave her my 16GB jailbroken phone, and now I’m back to using the little cheapie phone, and we’re $1000 poorer.

Moral of the story: Don’t get an iPhone, and don’t use ATT.

They are heartless greedy little bastards who only want to take your money and feel no obligation to accommodate their customers whatsoever.
The Droid is clearly a superior phone and offers a lot of customization tons of free apps, unlike Apple. Had I known about the Droid at the time, I would have saved a load of cash and have two effectively working phones right now.

That concludes this rant.

YAY! I HAVE A BLOG NOW! :O :O :O (orly?)

Alright… So I guess I’ll do all my bitching/blogging/shitnobodycaresabout here. ;P